CPR Guidelines Made Even Simpler

Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation was replaced by only chest compression in 2008 after a slow de-emphasis on replacement breathing.  This made CPR simple and easy to remember, and the chest compressions were set to the cadence of the catchy tune “Staying Alive.”

On March 1, 2015 the American Red Cross released a controversial and even simpler CPR recommendation.  Dr. Elliot M Antman revealed the new recommendations in a press release, reminding Americans to be “realists in a new era of health care.”  He cautioned the public that “the new recommendations may seem harsh at first,” but will be easy to remember and just as effective.

The complete step-by-step recommended guide as follows:

1. Survey the scene.  Be sure there isn’t someone else that is willing to take care of the collapsed person first.
2. Call 911.  Or better yet, dramatically point to someone and order them to do it.
3. Look.  The previous look, listen and feel was a bit invasive, particularly for the sketchy crowd, so looking at the person will suffice.
4. Hit the middle of the chest with your fist, just like on TV.  Like with electronics, this is bound to work some of the time.  Plus it looks cool.
5. Pull out your smart phone and play “Knocking on Heavens Door,” or if things are looking especially grim, “Another One Bites the Dust.”  This will help everyone in the vicinity come to peace and chill out since this person is toast.
6. Take a selfie while you are waiting for EMS.  Your mom will be proud you tried to help.
7. When help arrives, disappear.  Let’s be honest, nothing good will come of you sticking around and giving your name and contact information.  As soon as EMS arrives, get out of there.
8. Self medicate.  Someone just died or will probably be dead soon, it’s time for some whiskey.

The new protocol has equal efficacy to the previous 100 beats per minute chest compressions.  5% of victims will make it from arrest to discharge from the hospital.  Training in the new CPR takes 20 minutes for learners to master, a drastic change from the 8-hour CPR course offered previously.

One criticism from the medical community has been the acknowledgement of the CPR outcomes.  Dr. Jan Webston, a public health activist, fears that the American public “isn’t ready to admit heart disease will kill you.”

Reservations aside, the new recommendations are being taught and supported as of the release date.  As an added benefit, “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” has had a boost in iTunes sales.

You can also order ZDoggMD’s Code Gold CD for more variety in CPR code songs!