Master Radiologist Able to Hedge on Every Possible Medical Condition

BOSTON, MA – According to the abdominal CT scan report Internist Dr. Sam Erikson just pulled up, master radiologist Dr. Bart Waddell has once again demonstrated his uncanny ability to hedge on every conceivable diagnosis when reviewing an imaging study.

iStock_000016248863SmallWith the finesse of a watchmaker, and the creative dexterity of a modern day T.S. Eliot, Dr. Waddell has successfully raised all known disorders as possible etiologies of the findings visible on the scan. “The process in the right lower quadrant is suggestive of appendicitis,” reads the report, “but fat stranding may also be characteristic of inflammatory bowel disease or mesenteric adenitis or PTLD. Other etiologies of inflammation cannot be excluded. Trace fluid may be present. Mild regurg.”

“Constipation should enter the differential,” adds Waddell. “And shingles.”

Coming in at seven pages and more than 10,000 words, the thoroughly vague report will doubtlessly change not a single important aspect of care for Dr. Erickson’s patient. “The intestine is mildly dilated and collapsed with thick or thin walls and most organs have areas of abnormal or normal enhancement,” continues the report, “so small bowel obstruction and organ pathology must be considered. And tuberculosis.”

“Also, cancer. Could be cancer.”

In awe at the sheer skill necessary to generate such an impressively unhelpful interpretation of a series of 194 static pictures, Dr. Erickson can only shake his head in wonder as he read the beginning of the fourth paragraph: “Diabetic nephropathy, VSD, ASD, and early-onset Alzheimers remain a concern. Semi-positive triangle cord sign, football sign, salt and pepper sign, soap bubble sign, moya moya sign, hot nose sign, eye-of-the-tiger sign, hot cross bun sign, and Medusa head sign. Findings are suggestive of achalasia, bilpolar disorder, or possibly avascular necrosis of the femur. Mild evidence of scimitar syndrome and progeria is present.”

The twelfth paragraph, a solitary word, reads simply “Herpes.”

Ultimately, Waddell concludes his dictation with his signature signoff, “Clinical correlation required.”

After reading the report, Dr. Erickson no doubt will follow the usual routine for an Internist by ordering all lab tests and getting consults from gastroenterology, surgery, neurology, psychiatry, infectious disease, pulm, pediatrics, geriatrics, cardiology, IR, urology, heme-onc, ortho, chiropracty, and podiatry.

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  • Francisco

    Man, if you’re such a Dr. House, give your patients a chance and give up medicine.

  • Francisco

    Would like to see the clinical information… I mean, dafuq is that? Was the guy messing with the internist? Either that or he was having a seizure…

  • Matt Skalski

    Spend a few hundred dollars on a couple books, study them, and you’ll save your patients millions by knowing what ddx’s you’re looking to evaluate for.

  • Doc Xology

    That’s what you get when you enter clinical information as ‘Abdo pain FI’

  • https://www.facebook.com/jason.e.wright.5 Jason Edward Wright

    That’s pretty funny! It immediately reminded me of reading a CT on call the other night. Sometimes subtle abnormalities are perplexing. And learning the appropriate balance of providing thoughts on a differential versus just throwing it out there as a nonspecific finding is difficult. Usually when it seems like I’m about to generate a potentially confusing report, I call the referring doc first to at least make sure that it isn’t a useless report.

  • San Bradford

    That’s the problem.. You’re such a dumbass clinician you can’t even narrow your ddx one bit and thus order thousands in Clinical tests!

  • http://rk.md/ Rishi

    Love my radiology colleagues, but this is hysterical!

  • https://www.facebook.com/margaret.koskie Margaret White Koskie

    Tom Alexander, take note.

  • https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=5250345 James M Wilson

    Ben Kemp
    Henry Chow
    Ben Abo
    Ryan Hutchinson

  • https://www.facebook.com/nora.dula Nora Dula

    And we need these guys because???

  • https://www.facebook.com/tkandil1 Tarek Kandil

    Too funny

  • Tara S

    Omg, I’m going to get in trouble for reading these at work because I can’t stop laughing…and I’m pretty sure they know how un-funny my job is as a bowel and bladder nurse…

  • https://www.facebook.com/craig.maxey.58 Craig Maxey

    Oh yeah, that is so [not helpful] to ER doctors trying to make a diagnosis. My favorite radiologist quote is “What are you looking for?” I said dumbass, if I knew the diagnosis I wouldn’t have spend thousands of dollars on imaging tests.

  • https://www.facebook.com/harold.fowler.35 Harold Arthur Fowler

    Gomerblog update status. waktunya like n komen..hihi

  • https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=617026064 Jacob Smith

    Sina Meisamy, whatcha think? Too much?

  • https://www.facebook.com/ray.williams.5811 Ray Williams

    Gary Berliner you will like this.

  • https://www.facebook.com/elyce.ponte Elyce Ponte

    Very funny!

  • https://www.facebook.com/edna.wong.5 Edna Wong

    Jason Edward Wright, thoughts?

  • https://www.facebook.com/edna.wong.5 Edna Wong

    Ha

  • https://www.facebook.com/tim.niesen.31 Tim Niesen

    I’m stealing this

  • https://www.facebook.com/stephanie0rezac Stephanie Hancock Rezac

    This cracks me up.

    Herpes.

  • https://www.facebook.com/christopher.chewning Christopher Chewning

    You have these mad skills Dan Dolewski ?

  • https://www.facebook.com/harold.fowler.35 Harold Arthur Fowler

    wahhhh Gomerblog lagi update status.. .komen dulu ah